a story about fitting in

a young girl, 
only twelve or thirteen, 
she wanted friends, dance, ballet
a teacher, old, tired, bullied, terrorized 
she didn’t like him either
I needed her for him
there, then and she did stand up strong,
a warrior of light, 
feeling that she didn’t fit in 
the years went by,
she left her home, racism, anti-semitism and
settled in the land of her dreams, 
her foremothers and -fathers 
what now? what here? 
I showed her.
her parents at breaking point
“me?” she asked,
“you want me to help you?”
she thought it was up to her, 
but it was ME, 
I needed her, 
never fitting in 
marriage, abuse, divorce
home that never was, 
never will be, 
never was meant to be
leaving it all behind for the big, 
new promised land of contradictions, 
of disputes, 
mc donald’s, gap and blues
she never liked it much and yet, 
she stayed, never fitting in 
kansas city, racism, again
standing up was not fitting in, 
calling it out was not fitting in,
but I needed her innocence, 
her girlish rebel from across the sea, 
then, there and it worked, never fitting in
fifteen years 
ge, paris, france, 
bangalore, delhi, hydrabad, mumbai, 
tokyo, beijing, hangzhou, 
london, sweden, germany, russia
then a spark: 
“you should pursue coaching as a career!"
she was intrigued, liked education, higher education 
because finally she might fit in
but that’s not what i needed her to do
speak the truth, serve, help, 
get comfortable in the muck, 
love the muck, the tension and bring lightness, 
joy and stillness within
that is what I needed her to do, 
never fitting in 
peacemaker foundation 
it was called
the place she built from all she had, 
always wanted to do 
and now it was coming true
she could shine, so she thought
but I needed her to come down, 
to expand, to understand 
in her inner most secret place,
that it was never her, 
it was always ME and 
that all this time 
she fit in like hand in glove, 
like socks and shoes, 
like a horse and a carriage, 
all along she was perfect where she was
years go by
what do they mean? 
a journey travelled
“be!” “be!” “be!” I tell you.
“be! that’s all I need of you right now, 
right here, be with ME!” 
and so you are, finally fitting in.

Published by Janine

Artist! What more is there to say? Writer, a painter, drawer, scribbler, doodler, speaker, changer, changed, all at once, and so much more.

2 thoughts on “a story about fitting in

  1. Bravo!!! Full out standing ovation!! For who you were, for who you are.
    A star. Then and now.
    Shine bright, my friend. Shine on!

    Like

  2. Hi Janinooni! You fit in exactly where you are! I also never fit in back then but now, at 50, I realize that “fitting in” back then would have swallowed me…Stripped me of my growing identity. So
    Happy you embrace where you are now in life. You always exude an ownership of where you are, in a very beautiful and humble way, in my opinion. But it’s good to hear that there is both peace and passion in your present journey.

    Like

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